I love a good, entertaining, even smarmy piece of journalism – don’t you?
‘Jessica Whitely, a beautiful 16-year old with Pantene shiny hair, is destined to fail. She sings likes she was doing a drunk Roseanne Barr impression in the shower, which in the words of Randy, “Was not remotely good.” This does not dissuade her from offering to try out again in Texas.
Shaun Kraisman comes to audition both for the show and for a job as a Ryan Seacrest impersonator at a Russian amusement park. Ryan and Shaun drag the not-at-all-identical twins act on and on, even letting it spill over into the judging room. Then Steven opens his mouth and eats both of them and we got on with our lives.’
Fifteen-year old Shannon Magrane is pretty enough to get [lastfm link_type="artist_info"]Steven Tyler[/lastfm] to smile at her like a lecherous crocodile, or, you know, an aging rock star. She’s sent to Hollywood after singing in front of her cult-like family (so many girls singing and clapping) with her mother mouthing the words and her dad dead-eyeing Steven from the back. After a montage set to “Devil in Disguise” of the beautiful people who can’t sing a note, we meet Amy Brumville from Tennesssee who lives “in a tent in the woods.” If there’s any doubt in your mind that the producers would send a camera crew out to record this American Tragedy while Elliott Smith’s “Angeles” played in the background, you have never watched Idol before. By the time the Tobacco Road scene ends, we’re all praying to Walker Evans’ ghost that she could sing. (Luckily she hadn’t traded her pipes for food yet.)’